Uncle Gary, this is an intervention.

I have a sick and twisted beige fetish. I don’t understand it either, it’s a terribly boring color but it goes extremely well with black and the majority of my wardrobe. (insert terribly trite soul and/or heart joke here)

The color itself exudes a shitload of class. When I think of beige, brands like Burberry or icons like Jackie O. come to mind. No wonder it can even make sluts and the homeless look somewhat sophisticated.

However, with all prior reasoning aside, I was extremely disappointed with GAP’s spring 2011 ready to wear collection. There’s only so much beige one person can handle before they begin to question their own sanity and go on a seafood and gin binge. (I’m looking at you Uncle Gary)

The only piece that really stood out to me was this white shift dress, which looks like it could have been ripped off the BCBG spring runway show.

What truly blew my mind was Talbots spring collection. I had previously thought that store was purely for the menopausal or those who had forsaken their grandchildren for a horde of belligerent cats all named after British royalty. Apparently the store is doing a complete re-branding and style make-over to try and win over a younger set.

For example, this coral dress is adorable and simply to die for. It even has a high enough neckline so people will acknowledge me by name.

This skirt makes me really happy, and allows me to look forward to the day when I can do yuppie things instead of degenerate college student things. However I feel like not much will change. Maybe my funneling skills will improve.

I can’t get over the color of this skirt paired with the belt and the shoes. It makes me want to ride a bike along the Seine with fresh cut flowers, a baguette, and wine in the little bike basket. Needless to say there would be streamers attached to said bike, along with a horn and possibly training wheels. In case you couldn’t infer, I haven’t touched a bike since single digits.

The shrunken cardigan paired with the contrasting heels and hangover sunglasses is tres chic. I could see myself bumming around West Philly in something like this with flats so I don’t look like the Jolly Jew giant.

This is the perfect dress. You could be a complete walking train wreck with a Four Loko in each hand and still be forgiven because you look so damn classy. I own a long sleeved version of this but haven’t been given an opportunity to wear it. I’m waiting for the day when I truly fuck up and desperately need forgiveness. I’m assuming it will be video-chatting my parents at some point, explaining why I haven’t been allowed to graduate with only a few months left to go.

“Tell us why you refused to take your women’s studies requirement again?”

“Because I already know how to make a damn sandwich.”

G-d bless America.

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